Cancer is a monumental experience that we would all like to convey to others.
The written story is only as compelling as the words make it.
Every cancer patient has a touching, heart tugging story to tell and it will always be a compelling experience in their mind, body and soul.
This writer's story may not be 'compelling', finding the proper words have been frustrating, but none the less, these are my feelings, thoughts from MY SOUL.
Fear is the root of so many. Fear of not being liked. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of being judged. Fear of overreaching. After debating with my own inner self and much consideration, I have finally made the decision to speak about my cancer again.
NOT for pity nor sympathy but out of EMPATHY.
My wish is not to convey acknowledging my cancer is any more 'special' than others, also my writings is not the intention to anger or hurt.
I did not write this post in a day or even two....it was a few days of careful thinking, even hesitating clicking publish.
I am not a crusader by any means. Cindy's Paper Creation is a personal blog that is relatively new. It does not entail many following.
However, if this post reaches out and TOUCHES THE HEART for just that ONE person where cancer has invaded their life, and may have had feelings of loneliness at some point....and this helps one know they are never alone.... My wishful purpose has been done.
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On the day of my tests this past March, I was told my total body (PET) scan was negative. Hurray!
The very important blood test was sent out to California on March 8th.
I was so elated, I wanted to share my story publicly. So I did a post on 3-12-13.
I did the happy dance in March for 2 weeks after my tests.
I then got the call....
My thyroglobulin tumor marker was elevated. It is a blood test to monitor for thyroid cancer recurrence. Normal range is 0-3. Mine was 95.5
Doctor said we will recheck in September. Those results came back at 95.3. I need to be tested again in March 2014.
So, what does that mean?
It means no tumors but the cancer cells are still present. They are so very minute, unable to be seen on scans.
Wow, what a magnificent test!
Tall Cell Carcinoma has a high rate of recurrence but is slow growing.
Okay...so now what?
I am no longer in remission, I once again have the C word.
I was assured the only place in my body where the cancer are living currently is the neck area.
I don't want to have to wait till it grows and shows it's ugly presence on a scan. Zap it now with another treatment of the high dose radioactive iodine!
I can handle the month long prep, having absolutely no metabolism, bone pain, nausea, isolation and everything else that goes along with it.
Alas, the explanation from the medical professionals...is becoming toxic and the possible side effect of leukemia is of concern with another treatment at this time.
I have been told "you'll be fine".
I am fine if you compare me to someone with pancreatic cancer.
I am fine if you compare me to someone else's cancer that is far worse than mine.
BUT, if you compare myself to the healthy me I was before my cancer robbed and rattled that health away, I am not fine.
These words were spoken to me..."you are dwelling and worrying over it".
I have difficulty erasing that comment from my mind.
Henceforth, a sort of guilt on my part.
I have become silent in the emotional realm. I sometimes feel alone with my thoughts.
The "how are you feeling?" occurs rarely now-a-days.
On that note, my simple reply "I'm doing okay" doesn't deem adequate either.
Is it my fault? Probably so. I have made it my choice to speak of the C word as little as possible.
The distant online stranger with a common bond has become my confidant...a change that I have learned to accept. To help cope with cancer's uncertainty, and the emotional burden it carries.
To be able to speak without having the feeling of 'dwelling' or 'worrying'.
Am I ungrateful or bitter or resentful?...Hell no!
I have received an abundance of blessings to be feeling such nonsense!
Besides, it's a total waste of my time!
Someone once asked me "Aren't you happy the tumor marker test from March to September went down 0.2 ?"
Really?! I STILL have CANCER.
I repeat to myself every day "Maybe it will slowly leave my body. You need to stay positive, have faith and pray!"
As anyone dealing with cancer will attest to, whether it's active or in remission, those multitude of mixed emotions can at times feel epic. They can show up at a moments notice and they can disappear at the drop of a hat. We have been handed that right, we are the warriors. We will stand up and continue to fight the battle.
We used to have such crazy dreams,
The kind of dreams that brought us together, made us not mere mortals, but a movement.
We used to dream we’d get to the moon.
And we were crazy enough, fanatical enough, relentless enough, to get there.
We dreamed we’d split the atom.
Make smallpox and polio whispers from forgotten history books.
Make technology infinite, individual.
Connect the world.
All the unbelievable and the impossible,
all the can’t do and the never will, we overwhelmed them, we overpowered them, we conquered them.
They said no and we, well,
We said yes.
We stood up.
We stood up and changed the world.
Stand up when everybody else sits down
Stand up when it’s easier to turn away
Stand up for everyone who can’t rise anymore
When the answer seems impossible, stand up
When the dream is right within our reach, stand up
When the powerful refuse your call, stand up
The moment is now and the time has come to stand up.
One out of every two men
One out of every three women
will face these diseases we call cancer.
Our sisters, our brothers, our fathers, our mothers,
our husbands, our wives, our children.
Our very best friends and those we’ve yet to meet.
One person every minute, one person in a moment gets lost, gets stolen, gets taken away.
We are a tapestry of lives touched and brought together by a terrorist we can actually find.
And in the time it’s taken to read this, three more Americans have died.
Unforgivable.
This is where the end of cancer begins.
When together we become a force unmistakable.
A movement undeniable.
A light that cannot dim.
When we take our wild impossible dreams
And make them possible
Make them true
When together we rise as one
When we stand up
When we Stand Up To Cancer.
Fighting cancer is a challenge but the greater challenge is learning to live with it's uncertainty.
I would like to dedicate this post,
To all those fighting the battle, to those winning the battle and to all those that have lost the battle.
May you forever have the power of positive energy, spiritual or in other respects
and may you never have to feel alone in your battle.
